How to help someone with depression
*Trigger warning
Today is a mental awareness day! World Suicide Prevention Day. According to stats men have higher suicide rates than women.
From how to respond to what to do if they reject your help, the GQ Doctor is here to advise you on how to help someone with depression.
Assuming you have at least three friends, one of you will experience a mental health problem each year. That’s the crisis we’re in – one in four. Drill down further and the latest statistics for England suggest one in six of us will experience this each week. So it’s no surprise that we’re all likely to be within touching distance of someone who may, one day, need our support. Here’s what to do when that day comes.
Recognise the problem
This will emerge in one of two ways. The first, and less subtle, is that your friend tells you their problem, reaching out to you with the barn door wide open. The second, and more subtle, is that they drop hints to you through commentary like “the world’s against me”, “you don’t know what it’s like for me” or “no one loves me”. The proverbial bone is being thrown here.
How to respond
While the overall idea is to be reactive to their needs, there are benchmarks to work from:
DO:
Stay calm: It’s hard to hear about a friend’s distress but your calmness, calms them
Hang in there: While appearing to be a bad friend and pushing away, always remember the context
Keep support measured: provide help but don’t remove their total need to be self-reliant
Look after yourself: Being healthy means you can help them
Keep in contact: A text or call lets them know you’re thinking of them
Encourage safe socialising: small groups or exercise is great mental health medicine
Offer practical support: accompany to appointments, give a lift, help with paperwork
Just listen: The Samaritans SHUSH! the campaign highlights this:
Show you care Have patience Use open questions (e.g. “How are things?”) Say it back (e.g. “so you feel like nothing’s going right?”) Have courage
DON’T:
Tell them to “cheer up, mate”: Fuel. Fire.
Be critical: It’s often hard to understand an issue, especially in stigmatised mental health
Force the issue: If you push, your friend will push back - and then build a Trump-sized wall
Go to the GP for them: while valiant, as a GP, we cannot discuss their case specifically
Encourage triggers: Alcohol is a depressant, so a piss-up may not have the desired effect
Try and fix it: This is not something for you to fix, just to support
What to do if they reject your help?
In an ideal world, we would all accept help when needed. Reality is less perfect. You may instead be faced with a friend who isn’t willing to accept help, for that to them may herald a myriad of emotions from shame and weakness to guilt. Any frustrations need to be parked, for if they can make their own decisions, you must respect them. Your job is not to burn that bridge, keep the lines of communication open, and be ready - for when your friend is.
We spoke to three men in 2017 about their experiences of depression. Here is the advice they have:
Luke Ambler, founder of Andy’s Man Club
Luke founded the mental health support network Andy's Man Club, and the associated Instagram account @andymansclubUK, in August 2016 after his brother-in-law, Andy, took his own life following a period of depression. The club is "a talking group, a place for men to come together in a safe environment to talk about issues and problems they have faced or are currently facing" with other men who may have been or are in similar situations.
What I always say is that you should strive to be that trusted person in your community or your family who people can talk to. It’s vital to be that non-judgemental person who will be there and that people can talk to no matter what. And it’s so important to learn to accept that people who do have depression have good days and bad days.
The worst thing someone can do is to tell them what you would do, or to “man up” or “get on with it”. These are toxic phrases that have adverse effects and should not be used. Often, people don’t know why they feel the way they do, and they can’t explain it. As a society, we need to learn to not be reactive to each other’s behaviours and to be more sympathetic to what others might be dealing with.
Speaking out. We’ve had best part of 250 men in Halifax alone (this doesn’t’ include our other groups across the country) saying that sharing has saved their life. They also say how useful it is talking to someone experiencing the same thing because you can help each other to provide coping strategies and you identify with each other, which is a totally different experience to sitting opposite a councillor.
The most basic and rewarding thing we encourage is finding the good stuff in the day. It’s about making sure the good outweighs the bad. You might talk to someone that says, “I had the worst day on Friday”. And my reaction is, “Well, what about the other six days?”.
One other thing I would add is that you never really “recover” or are “cured”. This is a misconception and it’s so much more beneficial to understand that fundamentally this is about helping people learn to cope. You need strategies. You need to know what you can use to remain anchored when you are down, whether that be surrounding yourself with people that make you feel good or visiting places that evoke happiness, or by going to the gym, playing a sport, playing an instrument , or reading.
I think there are three reasons. First, they don’t want to burden loved ones. Second is weakness. Historically men work and women are the homemakers, but society has evolved and women work now and people strive for equal opportunities. Social evolution has moved at such a pace and men are no longer the leaders of the pack as such, but we now need to break this stigma down and change our culture. And finally, I think embarrassment plays a big part. People are scared of giving others something that could be used against them.
Because it’s the first step to getting the help you need. Talking is so vital and so crucial.
Follow Luke Ambler on Instagram @ambler09
Brian H Whittaker, model
Brian is a 17-year-old model based in Los Angeles who has suffered from depression and anxiety himself. At the time of publication, @brianhwhittaker had 762k followers on Instagram and often comments about his mental health on his posts.
When I was feeling particularly depressed and anxious, it would have been great if I could have told myself to look at the bigger picture and to know that I was, in fact, depressed - and that that patch was temporary.
When they see you suffering, but think the best thing to do is to just leave you and let you deal with it on your own.
Being around good people and creative minds. I’ve also found that staying busy helps, so, for example, going to the gym was something for me to do and that helped take my mind off whatever I was thinking about. I found that setting a goal in the gym was something to concentrate on rather than sitting in my bed feeling sorry for myself. I used social media to talk about depressive feelings and how I have overcome my issues. I’ve also stayed busy, which meant I managed to keep my head above water.
Follow Brian on Instagram @brianhwhittaker
Quentin Strohmeier, founder of the Life Matters Foundation
Quentin is a 21-year-old photographer who set up the non-profit project @lifemattersfoundation with his friend, David, in September 2016. One of the things they focus on is raising awareness of mental health issues in young people – and men – in particular. Based in Munich and Nuremberg respectively, a huge part of Quentin and David's work consists of going to concerts and informing people face to face. They've also created merchandise and do gigs, with the money from both going into the charity.
Quentin: Through our work and conversations with people who have suffered or are suffering from depression, we’ve learnt how important it is to take the situation seriously. If your friend, family member or someone you’re close to is depressed, listening and being there for them cannot be underestimated – it’s the first step to helping. However, you mustn’t put yourself in the position of ‘therapist’, especially if you don’t have any professional knowledge or experience. The best thing to try and do is direct them to a professional for medical attention. **David: **Depression can have a big impact on your relationship with the person who is suffering, so just try to remember you can get through this together.
David: The worst thing to do is ‘nothing’. If you know someone is suffering from depression try to talk to him or her openly, even it means asking them uncomfortable questions to try to get them to talk. Once you get the conversation started you can begin to help by finding out more about how they’re feeling and ultimately point them in the right direction to get help. **Quentin: **Don’t expect there to be a ‘quick fix’ to curing depression. I have a very traditional friend – he doesn’t believe in depression and thinks people who suffer from it are just suffering from a few bad days. But it should never be underrated. Sadly some people can suffer for long periods, and it can come and go. Try to be there for the person during the good times and the bad.
**David: **Advice around depression is very individual; you can’t generalise. Listening and talking goes a long way, but advice should always be given by mental health professionals – they’re the experts and will know what is best for each person and how they are feeling. Quentin: We absolutely encourage seeking professional help – for example, through our work we always try to put people in touch with the right people who can give you tailored advice. Self-help can also be a great motivator. If you have depression you can get caught in a hole, but looking at every day as a new chance and opportunity is a positive way to begin each morning or the push you need to get through the particularly bad days. Have faith.
Follow the Life Matters Foundation on Instagram @lifemattersfoundation