Lockdown knocked me down. Hard.
It has been two years since the now infamous 21-day lockdown was implemented by President Cyril Ramaphosa in March 2020.
It changed life as we knew it. In the beginning, I enjoyed it and loved having my family around me all the time. Who doesn’t enjoy a good braai on a Monday night, just because we could? We love a good braai.
But in the background, something sinister was brewing undetected. As the months went on and some sort of the old normal started returning, people started returning to work and kids went back to school, but I was stuck somehow. I then realised that I had developed psoriasis on my scalp.
I was convinced that it was my fault because a few days earlier, I refused to read instructions on a box of hair dye and kept it in my hair all day. It must have burnt my scalp, right? I mean, it must have.
Soon afterwards my stomach started acting funny, to put it mildly. This, I wrote off as being lactose intolerance, but I just couldn't sleep. The cramps and pain and (insert gross word here) toilet troubles.
But it was something else.
Let me be very honest with you and myself, as a person of colour, we are taught that certain ailments are reserved for a certain race. We have enough on our plate – we are struggling with day-to-day things. Mental illness is just not for us.
Before I knew it, 2021 reared its ugly head and things took a turn for the worse. I couldn't understand why I was always so sad. Being alone at home all day, all I did was lay on the couch and think about how I was not supposed to have any of the things I am fortunate enough to have. Not my husband, our kids or even food on the table. I did not deserve it.
Added to that, I was constantly weighing myself because the weight I had put on in lockdown was really starting to show.
Sad. Always sad. Sad about everything.
See, I'm not made to be alone all day every day for most of the day. Working from home killed my spirit. My routine went out of the window. I could only clean so much, and soon I no longer had the energy to even change out of my pyjamas. Except for the occasional meeting.
The negativity bled into my home life and my family bore the brunt as they soon became my punching bags. I needed to find that light at the end of the tunnel or I would do something horrible in order to feel something again.
One afternoon I was speaking to a friend about the mundane and not even seeking help. Mid conversation, she told me I needed to see a doctor. I didn’t want to go. What do I tell a doctor? “Hi, doctor. I’m sad. I need help to stop crying.” What do you even say in my situation? I told myself, “No, I can’t make a fool of myself”. But thanks to her constant nagging I made an appointment.
Anxiety disorders are a type of mental health condition. Anxiety makes it difficult to get through your day. Symptoms include feelings of nervousness, panic and fear as well as sweating and a rapid heartbeat. Treatments include medications and cognitive behavioural therapy. Your healthcare practitioner can design a treatment plan that’s best for you.
The doctor said it. I was suffering from anxiety and depression. Come on! What else can possibly be wrong with me!
She gave me some medication and like a normal working mom, I do forget to take them from time to time. But when I do take them, they help. And I realised that the help will come from me (and those tiny blue pills).
Don't be afraid, have the courage to seek help while you can. Mental illness affects and can affect everyone regardless of race or creed. The last two years were rough for most of us, get help. I did, for me but also for my family and loved ones.
Contact Sadag on 0800 567 567, toll free
*Kim Kay is the social media manager for Independent Media.
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