And then, Ernst, you hit me with a real shocker — South Africa is now a communist state.

This is deeply concerning, considering I just used my card from my private bank with my private money for my very private groceries at a capitalist supermarket.

I must have missed the moment when Cyril Ramaphosa seized the means of production between rounds of tender fraud. But I trust you, Ernst. If you say we’re basically living in Stalinist Russia, who am I to argue? I’ll be sure to let the billionaires on the JSE know that they’re actually communists now.

Then there’s your panic about land expropriation. While no farms have actually been taken without compensation, I must admit, I wake up every morning terrified that the government might decide to confiscate the pothole outside my house.

I mean, sure, black South Africans had their land actually stolen under colonialism and apartheid, but that was just history, right? It’s completely different when the government talks about redistributing land today.

How dare they attempt to correct one of the biggest injustices of the past 400 years? The audacity.

But the part that truly broke my heart was hearing about the suffering of white people under affirmative action. I wept for you, Ernst.

How dare the government give black South Africans — a group that was legally barred from most jobs until 30 years ago — a tiny leg up in employment? Don’t they know that white people, who still dominate high-paying jobs, business ownership, and executive positions, are the real victims here?

It’s simply unbearable that a young Afrikaner with a private school education and a family farm might not immediately land a cushy corporate job while black graduates face 40% unemployment. Where is the justice?

And then, of course, we have the real source of South Africa’s crime problem — a song.

I had no idea that "Kill the Boer" functioned as some kind of Hogwarts-style dark magic spell, instantly summoning farm attackers into existence.

It’s funny how no police or courts have found any actual evidence linking the chant to farm murders, but hey, let’s not let a little thing like evidence get in the way of a good moral panic.

But, Ernst, here’s where your campaign of white suffering has really hit home for me.

Thanks to you and your previous interview with Tucker — where you managed to convince Donald Trump that South Africa is basically Hotel Rwanda but with worse traffic—my actual job helping actual displaced African refugees just lost funding.

That’s right. While you were out here spreading conspiracy theories about white farmers being hunted like endangered species, the real victims of displacement — people fleeing war, poverty, and actual genocide — have just had their support cut. But I’m sure you’ll sleep soundly knowing that you helped protect white South Africans from the imaginary war against us.

So Ernst, my dear brother-in-struggle, stay strong. Keep bravely fighting for our right to remain rich and unbothered while pretending we’re the most persecuted people on Earth.

Keep convincing foreign governments that your imagined suffering is more urgent than the very real suffering of millions of others. And, above all, never let the facts get in the way of a good piece of propaganda.

Yours in perpetual white suffering,

Nigel Branken (Somehow still alive despite the ongoing "white genocide")(Lost my job funding thanks to Ernst, but at least my land hasn’t been seized — oh wait, I don’t have any)(Still waiting for the communists to take over, but all I see are corrupt capitalists and broken infrastructure)

* Nigel Branken is a South African social worker, pastor, and activist dedicated to dismantling racism, inequality, and xenophobia. Raised in white evangelical spaces, he once upheld the systems he now challenges. After leaving church leadership, he moved to Hillbrow to live in solidarity with marginalised communities. Through bold writing and activism, Nigel exposes white victimhood narratives, confronts systemic injustice, and advocates for real liberation.

** The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of IOL or Independent Media.

*** JOIN THE CONVERSATION: Email your submissions to opinion@iol.co.za and be sure to include a bio, a profile picture, and your full contact details and address (not for publication).

Get your news on the go, click here to join the IOL News WhatsApp channel.