Relationships, Break ups, Communication, Romantic relationship Image: Freepik
I’ve always thought that breaking up over text was a callous thing to do. But when my friend—let’s call her Amy—recently cut ties with boyfriend of two years with a text message, she had my full support. Amy had been upset about her relationship for months and had countless conversations with her then BF about if and how they could make things work. But after having the same tired argument over and over again with no improvements to show for it, Amy decided to call it quits with a text.
Breaking up via a big chunk of words is generally seen as a harsh way to separate from someone you, presumably, once cared for. But in this scenario, where my pal was emotionally depleted and at her wit’s end, it seemed like a smart move—even though she still feels weird about calling it quits that way. The whole ordeal made me wonder: Is it actually awful to break up via text—or might there be a time and place for it?
As you might imagine, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. “Breaking up over text is often viewed as impersonal but it’s not inherently wrong or cruel—it all depends on the context and the circumstances,” Claudia Giolitti-Wright, MA, LMFT, the founder of Psychotherapy for Young Women in New York City, tells SELF.
Not sure if a breakup text is the way to go? We asked two relationship experts what to keep in mind before you hit send. Here’s what they had to say:
First, let’s dig into why texting is widely thought to be a shady way to split up—which is that, to many, it can come off as dismissive, especially if you’ve been together for a while. The person on the receiving end might feel like you don’t GAF about the relationship or them. “It may leave them feeling unimportant, disrespected, or even abandoned, carrying that wound to their next relationship,” Giolitti-Wright says.
The main problem with typing out your goodbye? The other person can’t pick up on important cues, like the tone of your voice or body language, that help them understand what you mean or where you’re coming from, Morgan Cope, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at Centre College who researches breakups, tells SELF. On the flip side, in-person breakups typically offer more closure because you can have a back-and-forth dialogue about your dynamic and why things went south. Research shows that people who are confused about why their relationship is ending are more likely to experience distress. “You can actually make it worse by not being upfront with people,” says Dr. Cope.
Because a text can backfire, Giolitti-Wright says there are certain instances in which she recommends doing the dirty work IRL or over the phone—like if you want to part on good terms, or if you were together for a while (at least a few months), or were both super emotionally invested in one another. “Meeting in person or calling demonstrates respect for the relationship, them as a human, and provides an opportunity for mutual understanding and closure,” says Giolitti-Wright. Ultimately, if you think you can have a mature, nonexplosive convo with your partner, it’s worth a meetup—even if it’s the last thing you want to do.
All that being said, there are a handful of circumstances in which ending things by text is kind of a great idea. Like if you’ve been in a long-distance relationship and texting is, logistically, the easiest way to bid adieu, or you only went on a few dates with the person. Most importantly, it can be the safest option if you’re in an abusive relationship and are worried your partner may get aggressive. “If you think your physical safety will be put in harm’s way, breaking up with a text is totally reasonable,” Dr. Cope says.
You also want to take stock of your emotional safety. If you think your partner will yell at you or your chat will be totally unproductive (like with my pal Amy), Dr. Cope says that, yep, a text—that lays everything out coherently and concisely—can protect your feelings and well-being.
People who feel super overwhelmed or anxious can also benefit from texting about their decision. According to Giolitti-Wright, this may be a particularly helpful choice if you have a history of mental health issues, such as PTSD or social anxiety, that may interfere with your ability to confront your SO. A text can be a realistic and less-triggering way to initiate the process—and then you can always move over to the phone or in person, if and when you feel ready.
Because so much can get lost in translation over text, it’s important to craft your message strategically. Giolitti-Wright recommends first acknowledging the relationship with a line like, “I’m grateful for all the experiences we shared.” If the relationship was, well, terrible, you might opt for a more neutral opening, such as, “I’ve been thinking a lot about the time we spent together.” The reason? Starting on this note reduces the chances that your soon-to-be ex will feel dismissed or unimportant.
Then, be clear and honest about what you’re doing and why you no longer want to be a couple. Go with a line like, “I realized it's best for me to not continue to date because I feel like we don’t communicate well” (or whatever your reason is). Try not to blame or criticize them—even if you really, really want to—because that’ll just make them feel defensive or angry, Giolitti-Wright says.
A quick tip: You want to avoid defending yourself or overexplaining where you’re coming from, she says. Even though you might assume being wordy offers more closure, it does the opposite—and often escalates into a full-blown heated convo or argument. “Engaging in a back and forth discussion does not promote finality, which is the purpose of the text to begin with,” Giolitti-Wright says. So a couple sentences will do.
After that, share your new boundaries. Be specific about what they can expect from you re: contact—let them know if you’re willing to keep talking or if you’d rather have space. Finally, end your message on a compassionate note—wish them well as genuinely as possible. A quick “I wish you all the best moving forward” will do the trick, says Giolitti-Wright.
You may also want to invite them to open up and weigh in, says Giolitti-Wright, like if you had a deep emotional connection or wish to remain friends. You can say, “Now that you know how I feel, I’d love to know what you’re feeling if you want to share.” On the other hand, if you had a short fling or are worried things could snowball into a not-so-fun text battle, you can probably skip this step.
And if you’re still unsure about what to say? Think about how you’d want someone to cut ties with you, says Dr. Cope, and, when in doubt, lead with compassion and empathy.
One last note: If you choose a text breakup out of fear for your safety, Dr. Cope suggests keeping a few caveats in mind. First, include only "as much detail as is needed to communicate that the relationship has ended, without disclosing personal details that may put [you] in further danger.” For example, “This relationship has hurt me. I do not want to see you again. If we see each other in public, I will not acknowledge you.” After that, she recommends going no contact—so don't engage in further debate or keep tabs on them on social media. Lastly, don't be afraid to reach out to domestic violence advocates or resources such as the Stalking Prevention Awareness Resource Center.
Ending a relationship is never easy—regardless of why or how you do it—but, at the end of the day, just remember: “It’s a small period of extreme discomfort for long-term relief,” Dr. Cope says.
Original article appeared on SELF US
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